I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
