I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
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He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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