He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
