Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
We need to rekindle our bromance
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
