My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
