I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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