never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I will pee on everything he values.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
