dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
