she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
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