I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
