Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
