I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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