I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
