He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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