Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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