he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
