AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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