Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Randomize
