I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
