yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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