When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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