True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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