6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Can you repeat that, but with context?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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