You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
