You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
