im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
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I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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