I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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