I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
