I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
