I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
