After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
