I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
handjob tips. give me some.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
