i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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