your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.