I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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