Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know