and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
