my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize