There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
