Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i jhust puked up my retainher.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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