Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
