"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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