It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
