I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
