He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
