I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Alive.
So much puke
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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