Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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