If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
