I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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