apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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