after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
