the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
zippers are such a cool invention
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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