Kiss
Puke
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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