I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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