Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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