so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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