Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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