apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
