I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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