I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
