life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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