I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
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Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
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I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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