mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I am one with the molecules
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
