you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
