He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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